Portrait of a Woke Person. AKA Communist

From Lady Liberty

How to Spot a Communist: A New Yorker’s Field Guide

From Williamsburg to the Upper West Side, the revolution is alive, well, and waiting for its Uber

Ivana

Oct 12, 2026

New York City is home to approximately eight million people, several million rats, and a surprisingly vocal population of communists who appear to have mistaken Williamsburg for revolutionary Petrograd.

Fortunately, identifying one in the wild is relatively simple.

He is usually thirty-two, lives in Brooklyn, owns a $2,000 MacBook, and believes capitalism is responsible for virtually every human misfortune since the invention of agriculture. He has a master’s degree in something involving power structures, a Che Guevara T-shirt purchased on Amazon Prime, and strong opinions about the exploitation of labor despite having never worked anywhere that required protective footwear.

For the purposes of this investigation, we shall call him Oliver.

Oliver believes private property is theft, billionaires should not exist, and the means of production must be returned to the people. He also owns limited-edition sneakers, subscribes to six streaming services, and recently threatened legal action against a former roommate who borrowed his headphones without permission.

His mother still pays for his phone.

He calls her a capitalist.

She calls every Sunday to ask whether he’s eating vegetables.

Oliver believes the revolution is coming.

He would prefer it not arrive before brunch.

1. He Wears Che Guevara, Courtesy of Amazon Prime

The first reliable sign of a modern American communist is his revolutionary merchandise. Oliver owns a Che Guevara T-shirt, a canvas tote bag announcing that capitalism is killing us, and a ceramic mug instructing the public to eat the rich. All three were purchased online, delivered to his apartment, and paid for using a credit card issued by a multinational financial institution.

The T-shirt arrived through Amazon Prime. The tote bag came from a Brooklyn boutique that accepts Apple Pay. The mug was manufactured overseas, shipped across an ocean, transported through an enormous commercial distribution network, and delivered by a man Oliver believes is being exploited by capitalism.

Oliver was not home when the package arrived because he was attending a workshop on dismantling global capitalism. The delivery driver left it outside, where someone promptly stole it.

Oliver now believes New York needs more police.

This is an interesting development for a man who spent the previous weekend demanding that the police department be abolished.

He has also left a one-star review for Amazon because the replacement package arrived late. The revolution may be inevitable, but Oliver sees no reason why it should interfere with next-day delivery.

2. He Believes Private Property Is Theft. Except His Property.

Oliver believes that private ownership is one of the principal mechanisms through which capitalism perpetuates inequality. Nobody should possess more than they need, resources should be shared, and the accumulation of wealth is morally suspicious, particularly when the wealth belongs to someone Oliver has never met.

His own apartment, however, contains several important exceptions.

There is the vintage record collection, the expensive Japanese denim, the limited-edition sneakers, the MacBook, the carefully curated collection of first-edition books, and a bicycle that costs more than some people earn in a month. These are not possessions in the traditional bourgeois sense. They are essential expressions of Oliver’s personal identity, and their ownership must be respected.

When his roommate borrowed his headphones without permission, Oliver became suddenly fascinated by property rights, individual autonomy, and the possibility of involving the authorities. He explained that communal ownership does not mean people can simply take whatever they want, which is a surprisingly conservative position for a man who believes the government should redistribute other people’s assets.

At a dinner party on the Upper West Side, Oliver once explained that private ownership was an outdated concept that prevented humanity from achieving genuine equality. Unfortunately, someone interrupted to ask whether they could borrow his expensive camera for the weekend.

Oliver explained that his camera was professional equipment, that he had invested considerable money in it, and that people needed to respect boundaries.

The conversation about collective ownership ended shortly afterward.

Oliver supports abolishing private property in principle.

He would simply like to begin with somebody else’s.

3. He Has Never Met the Working Class, but He Speaks on Its Behalf

Oliver loves the working class. He loves workers in speeches, Instagram captions, protest photographs, and lengthy conversations about the proletariat. He considers himself a tireless advocate for people who perform physically demanding jobs, receive modest wages, and keep society functioning while the wealthy enjoy the benefits of their labor.

He is considerably less enthusiastic about encountering these workers in person.

The plumber charges too much. The electrician is always late. The delivery driver refuses to bring food upstairs. The construction workers across the street begin drilling at an unreasonable hour, apparently unaware that Oliver records his political podcast on Tuesday mornings.

Oliver believes workers are the backbone of civilization, but he would appreciate it if the backbone stopped making so much noise before eleven.

His own employment history includes a six-month internship at a nonprofit, occasional freelance consulting, and a brief period at his father’s company that he prefers not to discuss. Nevertheless, he has developed an extensive economic program for steelworkers, farmers, truck drivers, electricians, warehouse employees, and people who maintain municipal sewage systems.

He has never worked in any of these industries, but he has read enough political theory to know what their problems are.

The workers themselves may have different ideas. Some might want higher wages, safer conditions, better schools for their children, or simply the opportunity to own a home and build a business without asking permission from a government official.

Oliver finds this rather disappointing.

Apparently, the proletariat has not read the assigned material.

4. His Parents Are Capitalists. This Is a Sensitive Subject.

Oliver comes from a comfortable family. His father works in finance, his mother owns a small business, and his parents have spent most of their adult lives accumulating precisely the kind of private wealth Oliver believes should be redistributed.They also help pay his rent.

This is not something Oliver enjoys discussing, particularly with people who have misunderstood the structural complexities of his financial situation. He prefers to explain that his parents are merely helping him survive within an exploitative economic system while he works toward its eventual destruction.

Oliver believes inherited wealth is morally indefensible, although he has already informed his parents that he would appreciate assistance with a down payment when he eventually purchases an apartment. He considers homeownership a basic human right, especially if the apartment has exposed brick, good natural light, and sufficient space for his vinyl collection.

His father once suggested that Oliver find a full-time job. Oliver responded that the modern employment system was designed to extract surplus value from workers while alienating them from the products of their labor.

His father suggested that the employment system had been paying Oliver’s dental insurance since 1994.

Thanksgiving was uncomfortable.

Oliver has since established boundaries around conversations about employment, personal responsibility, and the family investment portfolio. He believes capitalism has corrupted his parents’ understanding of human dignity.

He continues to accept the dental insurance.

5. He Wants to Abolish the Police Until Someone Steals His Bicycle

Oliver believes policing is an instrument of state oppression. He supports radically reimagining public safety, replacing traditional law enforcement with community-based solutions, and addressing crime through social investment rather than punishment. He has several attractive infographics explaining how this would work, although none contains a particularly detailed section on what to do when someone refuses to cooperate.

Then somebody steals his bicycle.

Suddenly Oliver wants detectives, surveillance footage, fingerprint analysis, immediate police intervention, and preferably a citywide operation to recover his property. He is outraged to discover that the police department does not consider a stolen Italian bicycle its highest investigative priority.

What, exactly, are his taxes paying for?

This is an excellent question, particularly because Oliver spent the previous Saturday demanding that the police department lose most of its funding.

He now believes public safety is a fundamental human right, that repeat offenders should face meaningful consequences, and that the city must do more to protect hardworking residents from property crime.

Oliver has not noticed that he sounds remarkably like the Republican neighbor he recently accused of being a fascist.

He is considering moving to a building with private security.

6. He Supports Housing for Everyone. Just Not in His Building.

Housing is a human right, and Oliver is absolutely certain of this. He believes every person deserves a safe, comfortable, affordable home, and he frequently reminds his followers that housing should never be treated as a commodity.

He lives in a beautifully renovated Brooklyn apartment with exposed brick, original hardwood floors, industrial windows, and a coffee shop downstairs that charges nine dollars for a cappuccino. His parents helped with the deposit, and he has recently begun referring to the neighborhood as a community rather than a real estate market.

Oliver supports affordable housing developments, provided they do not interfere with the character of his neighborhood. He welcomes new residents, although the proposed apartment building across the street would block his natural light, increase traffic, create parking problems, and potentially attract people who do not appreciate the area’s unique cultural identity.

He is deeply concerned about gentrification, despite having moved to Brooklyn because the neighborhood was becoming fashionable. He dislikes wealthy newcomers who drive up prices, although he considers himself an exception because his political beliefs are progressive.

When the city announces plans for a new residential development, Oliver organizes a community meeting to discuss its environmental impact, architectural compatibility, and possible consequences for local quality of life.

The meeting takes place in his building’s private residents’ lounge.

The doorman has been instructed not to admit anyone who does not live there.

7. He Hates Billionaires but Loves Everything They Built

Oliver believes billionaires should not exist. He announces this on Instagram using his iPhone while sitting in an Uber, listening to Spotify, and checking whether his Amazon package has arrived.

The billionaire class, he explains, has accumulated obscene wealth through the exploitation of ordinary people. He believes major corporations have become too powerful, that monopolies undermine competition, and that political influence should not be available for purchase by the highest bidder.

These are legitimate concerns. I have no particular desire to live in a country where three corporations own every grocery store, hospital, apartment building, and possibly the toaster in my kitchen.

But Oliver has developed a curious habit of confusing criticism of corporate power with the belief that private enterprise itself is unnecessary.

He wants the companies dismantled but expects their services to continue uninterrupted. He wants billionaires abolished but assumes technological innovation, efficient distribution networks, competitive consumer products, and rapid delivery will somehow survive the transition without significant inconvenience.

When asked how production, investment, and distribution would work under his preferred system, Oliver explains that the workers would organize everything democratically. He seems remarkably confident that millions of people with competing needs, different priorities, and limited resources will reach efficient decisions once the profit motive has been removed.

Perhaps they will.

But I would like to see Oliver successfully organize eleven people to choose a restaurant before entrusting him with the national electricity supply.

Meanwhile, his DoorDash order is twenty minutes late.

Capitalism has failed him again.

8. He Calls Everyone Comrade but Sends Individual Venmo Requests

Oliver believes in solidarity, collective responsibility, and the moral superiority of cooperation over selfish individualism. He refers to his friends as comrades and frequently explains that society would be considerably more humane if people stopped thinking exclusively about their own financial interests.

His group chat is called THE PEOPLE’S FRONT.

It contains eleven members, several ongoing ideological disputes, and a pinned message reminding everyone that brunch reservations are nonrefundable.

Last Saturday, Oliver invited the comrades to his apartment for a discussion about wealth redistribution. He provided hummus, crackers, and two bottles of sparkling water, which he considered an appropriate contribution to the revolutionary movement.

On Sunday morning, everyone received a Venmo request for $6.83.

One comrade questioned the charge, pointing out that Oliver had invited everyone and had not mentioned payment. Oliver explained that collective responsibility requires all participants to contribute fairly, regardless of their individual circumstances.

Another comrade suggested that Oliver, whose parents pay half his rent, might reasonably cover the snacks.

Oliver accused him of weaponizing privilege and failing to understand the principles of economic justice.

The group chat has since split into two factions, each claiming to represent the authentic revolutionary movement. One has changed its name to THE PEOPLE’S FRONT FOR JUSTICE. The other is considering a formal statement condemning the first.

Neither has paid the $6.83.

Oliver believes this demonstrates why capitalism must be abolished.

9. He Dreams of the Soviet Union but Wouldn’t Survive a Soviet Supermarket

Oliver has developed a romantic attachment to twentieth-century communism, particularly the posters. He admires the heroic factory workers, smiling farmers, red flags, enormous tractors, and determined citizens gazing toward a future in which everyone appears to be extremely enthusiastic about industrial machinery.

He is less interested in the secret police, censorship, political prisons, forced collectivization, and economic shortages that accompanied several of history’s communist experiments.

Those, he explains, were complicated historical circumstances.

Oliver believes centrally planned economies have been unfairly maligned by capitalist propaganda. He argues that consumer choice is an artificial obsession designed to distract people from their genuine needs, and that a rationally organized society would produce what people require rather than encouraging endless consumption.

This is an interesting position from a man who recently returned a $400 espresso machine because the milk foam was insufficiently silky.

Under the system he romanticizes, Oliver might find himself standing in line for several hours to purchase basic groceries, assuming the shop had received its delivery. He would not be choosing between six varieties of oat milk, imported cheese, organic strawberries, and a seasonal pistachio beverage.

He would be choosing between whatever happened to be available and whatever might arrive next Thursday.

Perhaps.

To be fair, capitalism has its own absurdities. Nobody needs seventeen varieties of toothpaste, and the existence of luxury dog strollers does raise certain questions about the direction of Western civilization.

But abundance is not a moral failure simply because it produces ridiculous choices. Scarcity does not become noble because a government committee distributes it.

Oliver once wrote a three-paragraph negative review because a Brooklyn café ran out of pistachio syrup.He gave them one star.

I would pay good money to watch him negotiate with the Soviet Ministry of Food Distribution.

Unfortunately, there would probably be nothing to buy.

10. He Believes the Revolution Will Be Different This Time

Oliver knows history, or at least the parts of history he considers relevant to his political arguments.

Mention the Soviet Union, and he will explain that it was not real communism. Mention Maoist China, and he will discuss historical context. Mention Cuba, and he will bring up healthcare. Mention Venezuela, and he will mention sanctions. Mention the Berlin Wall, and he will explain that the situation was complicated.

History is complicated, of course. Different countries followed different paths, and not every failure can be explained by a single ideology. There are legitimate distinctions between democratic socialism, social democracy, Marxist theory, and the authoritarian communist states of the twentieth century.

Oliver is not particularly interested in those distinctions when he is accusing everyone who disagrees with him of defending capitalism.

He is fascinated by the promises made before revolutions and considerably less interested in the institutions that emerged afterward. He believes that if the correct intellectual framework were adopted, if the right people were placed in charge, and if society finally committed itself to genuine equality, the experiment would succeed.

This time.

Because this time, Oliver would be involved.

He has already prepared a spreadsheet outlining the transition to a post-capitalist economy. There are columns for housing allocation, food distribution, community wellness, and cultural participation.

There is no column for what happens when someone refuses to cooperate, when production falls below demand, when officials abuse their authority, or when citizens decide they would prefer to vote for an entirely different economic system.

Oliver considers these unnecessarily negative questions.

He believes the revolution will remain popular because everyone in his group chat supports it.

Except Daniel.

Daniel was removed for spreading misinformation.

The People’s Front is now unanimous.

11. He Believes in Free Speech. Until Someone Disagrees With Him.

Oliver considers freedom of expression one of the foundations of a civilized society. He believes dissent is essential, that powerful institutions must be challenged, and that citizens should never be afraid to question the political and economic arrangements under which they live.

He is particularly enthusiastic about free speech when he is the one speaking.

At a dinner party on the Upper West Side, Oliver recently spent forty minutes explaining that capitalism was structurally violent, that the American political system was fundamentally illegitimate, and that meaningful change might require dismantling institutions most people had grown accustomed to respecting.

The other guests listened politely.

Then someone asked whether a revolutionary government should allow opposition newspapers, independent political parties, and public criticism of its economic policies.

Oliver became uncomfortable.

He explained that free speech was important, but misinformation could be dangerous. Certain ideas, he argued, were not merely opinions but instruments of oppression, and society had a responsibility to protect vulnerable communities from harmful narratives.

This was an interesting development from a man who had spent the previous forty minutes describing the American government as an illegitimate instrument of class domination.

Oliver believes censorship is authoritarian when governments silence revolutionaries.

When revolutionaries silence their critics, however, it becomes community safety.

He has since asked the dinner party host not to invite the troublesome guest again.

Apparently, the revolution requires a more carefully curated guest list.

12. He Wants Equality. But He Has Already Chosen His Position in the New Society.

Oliver believes all work has dignity, that class hierarchies are artificial, and that society should no longer assign greater human worth to people simply because they occupy prestigious professional positions.

He considers the division between intellectual and manual labor particularly troubling. He believes everyone should contribute according to their abilities and receive according to their needs, creating a society in which no occupation is considered inherently superior to another.

This is a noble sentiment.

Unfortunately, Oliver has already decided which occupation he would prefer after the revolution.

He will not be working in a factory.

He will not be driving a garbage truck, repairing electrical cables in February, cleaning hospital bathrooms, unloading freight, or harvesting potatoes in the rain.

These are all essential activities, of course, and Oliver has tremendous respect for the people who perform them.

But he believes his own talents would be better utilized in cultural planning, public communications, or perhaps the newly established Ministry of Social Transformation.

He imagines a pleasant office, meaningful meetings, intellectually stimulating colleagues, and a reasonable degree of flexibility regarding working hours.

There will be funding.

There will be committees.

There will almost certainly be a title.

Oliver is not particularly interested in hierarchy, but he believes effective leadership requires a certain degree of organizational structure. Someone must coordinate the workers, establish priorities, and ensure that the revolutionary vision is properly implemented.

He is willing to make this sacrifice.

Preferably from home.

The collective farm still needs workers.

Unfortunately, Oliver has a podcast.

He Wants a Revolution. With Free Shipping.

The problem with Oliver is not that he wants a fairer society.

Most reasonable people do.

New York is expensive, housing is absurd, healthcare can bankrupt families, and some corporations behave as though the public exists primarily to finance their executives’ third vacation homes.

I am a Republican, not a woman who believes every billionaire was personally appointed by God.

Capitalism is not perfect. It can be exploitative, corrupt, wasteful, and spectacularly indifferent to human suffering. It requires competition, functioning institutions, labor protections, independent courts, sensible regulation, and governments willing to stop powerful corporations from swallowing entire industries.

But the answer to excessive corporate power is not necessarily giving even more economic power to the state.

The answer to wealthy individuals influencing government is not automatically creating a government that controls almost every significant economic decision.

And the answer to an expensive apartment in Brooklyn is not appointing Oliver chairman of the National Housing Allocation Committee.

The historical record of communist one-party states should inspire considerably more caution than Oliver displays while admiring revolutionary posters on his bedroom wall.

Because the fundamental problem is not simply who owns the factories.

It is who holds power, who can challenge that power, who can leave, who can disagree, who can start something independently, and what happens when the people in charge decide that dissent is dangerous.

Oliver believes nobody should possess too much authority.

Except the people organizing the revolution.

Who, by a remarkable coincidence, tend to resemble Oliver.

And perhaps that is the most revealing characteristic of the modern American communist.

He does not particularly want to live in the Soviet Union. He does not want ration cards, political censorship, government-assigned housing, restricted travel, or a centrally planned economy in which the Ministry of Consumer Goods has decided that oat milk is no longer a national priority.

He wants to live in Brooklyn.

He wants his beautiful apartment, his MacBook, his expensive sneakers, his specialty coffee, his imported olive oil, his streaming services, his freedom to criticize the government, and his ability to purchase almost anything he desires at three in the morning.

He wants to abolish private property without surrendering his own. He wants workers to control production without personally producing very much. He wants everyone to contribute according to their ability, having already determined that his particular ability is creative direction.

He wants someone to grow the food, someone to build the apartment, someone to manufacture the phone, someone to maintain the subway, someone to deliver the coffee, and someone to pay for all of it.

Oliver is willing to supervise.

Remotely.

In other words, Oliver does not want to overthrow the economic system.

He wants to keep its conveniences, redistribute its costs, and appoint himself chairman of the committee overseeing the transition.

Preferably with dental insurance.

The revolution is coming.

Oliver will be joining us shortly.

His Uber is stuck in traffic.

And the driver, who has been working since six this morning, is the only actual working-class person Oliver has spoken to all day.

Oliver gives him four stars.

The conversation about capitalism made him uncomfortable.

Ivana 🗽

A Note From the Author

Some of you may remember my previous essay, Why Young Liberals Hate Capitalism—and Why They’re Wrong. It generated quite a conversation, including several readers wondering why I’d chosen a woman as my example. Why not a man? Don’t I know any men like that? Was I picking on women?

Well, I hope Oliver has answered those questions.

I must confess, I’m becoming terribly fond of him. I mentioned him to Eli, my best friend, who immediately informed me that he probably knows Oliver. Or at least three Olivers. Apparently, everyone in New York knows an Oliver.

So there you have it. A man. A communist. A revolutionary with expensive sneakers and a mother who still pays his phone bill.

I trust this settles the gender controversy.

As for Oliver, I suspect we haven’t seen the last of him.

Provided the revolution doesn’t interfere with his brunch reservations.